


Sperare

by DimensionSlip



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-04
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-16 03:29:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2254188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DimensionSlip/pseuds/DimensionSlip
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade comes to terms with Asch's survival at Eldrant and what it means for a certain Luke fon Fabre.<br/>Extra: A month after the siege at Eldrant, Asch struggles to reconnect with the person most important to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sperare

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lord_of_Judgement](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_of_Judgement/gifts).



Jade was not the type of person to hope about things. If anything, he thrived in certainty and its cousins logic and action. Hope had the connotation of passively sitting around and waiting for things to happen. Hope was a denial of the present status quo, searching for a final lifeline by means of something called a miracle. Hope meant looking out into a sunset-tinged horizon, casting his gaze upon the remains of Eldrant and wondering when a certain redhead would come out, smiling as brightly as the sky that moment as if he did not just say goodbye to them a moment ago.

So when he saw a familiar figure emerging from the remains of Eldrant, he dared to hope. For a certain redheaded noble—a product of a forbidden science of his creation—he dared to hope. Hope that once more in his life, he was wrong. For the first time in his life, he hoped that theories based on fact would be proven wrong by a miracle known as Luke fon Fabre.

However, his hopes sank along with the setting sun, for it was the wrong Luke that appeared from the rubble.

“Asch!” Natalia gasped, running towards the figure that stumbled towards them. Her outburst seemed to have broken a similar spell that took over his companions, for the others followed suit as Asch collapsed into Natalia’s waiting arms.

Jade allowed himself to trail a few feet away from them, his heart growing heavier with each step he took. Whatever spark of hope he had in that moment disappeared once recognition dawned upon him. Knowing he was right about perfect isofons and the Big Bang did nothing to ease the weight in his chest—scientific truth won’t bring back the Luke he came to consider as his friend.

As Natalia laid Asch on the ground and knelt next to him, casting a healing arte, Jade closed his eyes, steeling himself before he joined the rest. He knew it wasn’t fair of him to label Asch as the “wrong” Luke. Asch was the original Luke fon Fabre, after all, and anyone in their right minds would be able to clearly see that there was more to gain by having him—the original, instead of an unstable replica—live.

But Asch wasn’t the Luke that accidentally stole an apple from a certain vendor in Engeve. Wasn’t the Luke who he took a fonslot seal for. Wasn’t the Luke that dredged up memories he thought were better left forgotten—buried deep in the snow-covered fields of the far-flung past. Wasn’t the Luke that destroyed Akzeriuth and along with it, his innocence. Wasn’t the Luke he chastised shortly after his self-imposed change. Wasn’t the Luke that he dared to call a friend, right before effectively sentencing him to death. Wasn’t the Luke who told him not to ask for the impossible, shortly before doing what was thought to be unreasonable until that fateful day.

_Today, that is._

Perhaps he should’ve taken his advice back then, but being the stubborn old man that he was, he viciously clung on to hope. Maybe he could’ve spared himself from this emotion called “hurt”, upon seeing his hopes dashed to bits. He fought the urge to laugh at his foolishness. Not too long ago, he would have laughed if someone told him that he’d end up mourning the loss of a Kimlascan noble, but looking at himself now, the unexpected was all too real—and all too painful.

But now was not the time to grieve. For now, the others surely sought answers, and it was up to him to provide answers that they might need. Taking a deep breath to collect himself, he joined the rest of his comrades in the small semi-circle they formed around Asch, just in time to see the person of concern stir, eyes fluttering open as the last of the sun disappeared into the horizon.

“N-Natalia?” Asch shot forward to a seating position, only to groan as he brought a hand to his side.

“Asch!” Natalia’s brows creased in concern as she placed a hand on his shoulder, gently pushing him down. “Please lay down for—”

“No,” Asch peeled the other’s hand away from his shoulder, only to bring it to his abdomen once more as he gritted his teeth in pain. “I’m… fine, really.”

“You don’t look too fine, y’know,” Anise said, folding her arms as she frowned at him thoughtfully. “Though I guess it’s better than…”

She trailed off, leaving out words that were better left unsaid. Yet, everyone knew what she was going to say, and Jade was sure that the question was burning at the back of everyone’s minds.

“…Being dead, huh,” Asch said quietly, his gruff tone from earlier turning serious, voicing what everyone else could not.

An awkward silence fell over them as Asch got to his feet, only for his knee to give out on him. Natalia offered a hand to Asch, which he reluctantly took as she had him wrap an arm around her shoulders for support.

 _So he knew._ Not that it was going to change anything.

“So, where’s Luke?” Tear tried to keep her tone casual, though there was no mistaking the undercurrent of hope beneath it. Jade could sense the same from Guy, who suddenly stopped staring at the ruins of Eldrant and turned his attention to Asch.

“I’m not sure.”

“What do you mean, ‘you’re not sure’?!”

Guy would have lunged at Asch, if not for Anise grabbing hold of his arm, causing him to freeze at the contact.

“I thought,” Asch took a deep breath, cringing at the effort, “he’d be with you. I guess… I was wrong.”

“I see.” Tear’s voice was steady, though there was no mistaking the crestfallen expression that crossed her face momentarily. “What happened, then?”

“Asch, are you sure you want to keep on standing?” Natalia asked, still worried. “We can sit down for a while, or head back to the Albi—”

“I’m _fine_ , Natalia,” Asch said, reflexively throwing an irritated glance at Natalia. Though upon seeing the hurt in her expression, his gaze softened. “Sorry, I appreciate the concern, but it’s best if I answer now, instead of leaving this for later.”

Mollified, Natalia managed a feeble smile at him. “Very well.”

“To be honest, I’m not sure what _exactly_ happened.” Asch closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “I know I blacked out after some Oracle Knights stabbed me. When I came to, Eldrant was already a bunch of rubble and somehow, I found my way to you guys.”

“Though, I think…” His eyes opened, meeting Tear’s squarely. “I felt _something_ enter me between those two events. Something… warm.” He tore his gaze away from her and let it fall to the ground. “Maybe that dre—Luke did something. Something that kept me alive.” He pressed a hand to his forehead, knitting his brows as seemed to struggle to remember something. “Damn it, I can’t remember what it was exactly—my memories feel all jumbled up at the moment.”

“Then if he’s not with Asch or us, where is he now?” Anise asked out loud, cupping her chin in thought.

“Ask him. I’m sure he knows.” Asch glanced pointedly at Jade, who felt four other pairs of eyes on him as they gazed at him expectantly. As if he held all the answers they sought.

Well, he did, but they were not going to like it one bit. For a moment, he considered lying to them. He could have made something up at that moment, which his trusting comrades would have certainly eaten up, but unfortunate as it was, he owed them the truth. Luke… would’ve wanted as much.


	2. L1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This particular chapter marks a so-called point of divergence in the story. L1 tells of what happens when Jade tells everyone the truth (well, as truthful as he could have been given that situation), while R1 relates what happens when he skews his reply a bit more. There may or may not have been a Xillia 2 joke in the chapter names.

“…Nothing but his memories remain,” Jade said, turning his head towards what remained of Eldrant, white marble stark against the moonlight.

He heard Natalia gasp once more, and a swift punch to his jaw told him that Guy reacted badly to his answer, confirmed by the steely blue—albeit hurt—gaze that met his impassive one. “And you thought it was OK to tell us this just now?”

“No…” Anise said, tears prickling at the corner of her eyes as Jade’s line of sight drifted back to her. She tugged at Jade’s coat. “Colonel, this is one of your jokes, right?”

Jade chose not to reply to Anise, merely meeting Guy’s gaze head-on. Moments later, Guy tore his gaze away from Jade, kicking a nearby stone in frustration. Anise let go of him, letting out a sob as she did so.

Jade’s jaw continued to ache, but he welcomed the pain. It gave him something else to concentrate on, instead of the shocked and betrayed looks on his comrades’s faces. Jade was used to being the herald of bad news, but this one was on a whole different level from what he had to deliver previously. No soldier’s death has ever caused his stomach to feel so hollow, his chest so tight, and his heart empty.

“I… thought so.” The only one who did not seem too surprised at what he said was Asch, who merely let out a resigned sigh. “So that’s why my mind’s a… mess right now. I’m not even sure if I’m still myself right now…”

“You are Asch, the original Luke fon Fabre,” Jade said, his voice unusually soft, yet unsurprisingly steady. “These additional memories are a mere side effect of the process that brought you back to life, and soon, will be a ghost of the past.” Along with Luke.

“Asch is Asch. Luke is Luke,” Natalia said firmly, squeezing Asch’s hand lightly. “No matter what, you will always be Asch to me.”

Jade supposed that he should have consoled himself with the fact that it was a happy ending for at least two people, though he could not help but think about the others who were unsatisfied with this turn of events. Especially a certain Tear Grants, whose face was a stoic mask to the casual observer. Jade, however, was no casual observer, having travelled with her long enough to see that that was all there is to it—a mask worn to hide pain brought about by shattered hopes and the loss of a beloved. There was something telling about how thin her lips were drawn, and the way her eye twitched every now and then, as if she wanted to cry.

“We should head back to the Albiore,” Jade finally said. “Noelle and Ginji are probably worried about us.”

His companions numbly nodded their assent and started towards the aircraft, with Jade trailing behind woodenly, somewhat lost in thought. It was one of those times when he wished he were wrong. However, Jade Curtiss was rarely wrong—and when he was, gravely so, it was accompanied by years of living in denial, throwing his heart and soul into research. Research better left undone, for the greater good of humanity.

Jade paused in his tracks, casting another glance at the ruins of Eldrant. Yet, he did not have any regrets. Sin as it was, it was all thanks to it that the person he came to know as “Luke fon Fabre” came into existence—his savior, the one who showed him another way to atone besides forgetting.

It was that realization that caused the pain in his chest to ease a little, and clear his mind of the confusion that settled in earlier. Even if the truth was a hard one to accept, he would do so. He always did, and learned from it one way or another.

And it was with that in mind that tore his gaze away from Eldrant and strode on. There was no time to mourn. A world without Luke may be a difficult one to live in, but it will turn. It will continue to turn, thanks to his sacrifice. As Luke’s friends, it was up to them to do their part in ushering Auldrant into this Score-less era, and realize this newfound freedom given to her citizens.

Indeed, perhaps now was a good time to start on that fomicry research he told Anise about.


	3. R1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an alternative sequence of events past the first chapter. Please read the first chapter first if you haven't.

"Somewhere," he said, pushing up his glasses.

Or maybe not. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t a straightforward answer either. Unbelieving expressions met his gaze as he scanned their faces.

“I do not know exactly where, but he promised he would return, didn’t he?" Jade said quietly. “Let’s hold him on to that promise of his.” Yes, he was going to be a stubborn old man about this through and through, Yulia be damned.

“You’re right,” Tear said, letting out a breath she must have been holding. Whether it was in agreement of his statement or wishful thinking on her part, he was grateful for her assent, for the rest of his comrades visibly relaxed as she managed a shaky smile. “Luke will return eventually.”

“Yeah, he better!” Anise said, chipper than she was earlier. Guy looked a little more like his normal self, and Natalia’s smile finally reached up to her ears.

“Perhaps we should head back to the Albiore now,” Natalia said. “Ginji and Noelle are probably worried about us, and Asch needs proper medical treatment.”

Murmurs of agreement rose from his companions, and they started towards the aircraft parked a little further inland. Jade trailed behind them, losing himself in his thoughts as they went along.

Someone once said that ignorance was bliss, and Jade could not think of a more appropriate saying for that moment. Perhaps, the day will come when they realize that there was more to his evasiveness that what met the eye. Perhaps, they’ll hate him for it. Perhaps, they’ll understand why he did it and forgive him for his “deception”.

But he made his choice, and surprisingly, he did not regret it one bit. With that choice, he kept the spark of hope lit in their hearts, with him shouldering the burden known as scientific fact on his own. He knew that the truth would hurt, nay, _break_ them. He could see it—Anise’s stifled sobs, Guy’s anger manifesting in the smallest ways, Natalia’s reluctant acceptance, worst of all, Tear’s stoic heartbreak.

It was worth postponing that for another day. Or, as he dared to hope, the day that happened might not come to pass at all.

 _Luke will return. He definitely would._            

Taking one last look at Eldrant, he continued on his way, towards the future he and his companions hoped for. People might call him foolish for holding on to such a promise in the face of cold, hard logic, but he’d rather be called a fool than a person who cannot believe in his friend.


	4. Extra - The Stars of Sheridan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A month after the siege at Eldrant, Asch struggles to reconnect with the person most important to him.

Asch couldn’t sleep.

It certainly wasn’t the first time, nor was it to be the last. But he needed this thing called sleep, for a full day awaited him the next day. Breakfast with the mayor, rounds around town, lunch with the council, another set of rounds, then dinner with the community he visited. Rinse and repeat the next day.

But his body did not want to cooperate. The blasted thing. Cursing under his breath—unbecoming for the future king of Kimlasca, but he felt that he’ll never get rid of this habit he acquired during his stint with the Oracle Knights—he rose from his bed, hastily donned his coat, and proceeded to exit the Sheridan inn that graciously hosted him and his small entourage.

His legs, as if on autopilot, led him to an all too familiar horizon, one that kept him company during his sleepless nights in Sheridan. It was quiet this time of the day, and dawn was always a sight to behold when it came around. An excellent place to clear one’s mind, all things considered.

However, he was not alone that night, for someone was already standing there, staring into the horizon with a hand on the railing.

He took a step forward, and not a moment too soon, the figure tensed, whirling around to face him, knife pointed at his face. Her initially wary glance gave way to that of surprise when she met his gaze, recognition dawning upon her.

"Natalia," Asch said with a hint of amusement in his tone. "Alert as ever, I see."

"Some habits are simply hard to break, I suppose," she said defensively as she stowed her weapon. "Lack of awareness of one’s surroundings is an easy way to get oneself killed."

"Hey, relax." A lopsided smile formed on his face. "I didn’t say it was a bad thing."

She sighed. “I know.”

His smile faded from his lips as he observed Natalia turning back to the horizon, a faraway look on her face. Something had Natalia on the edge, and he was not sure what it was exactly.

Then again, it was not any different from the way things were since his miraculous survival at Eldrant. For some reason, she took great lengths to avoid being alone with him ever since they returned, either making sure that she had someone else to talk to or quickly excusing herself whenever she found herself alone with him. Granted, they rarely were in the same room together, having been busy with various matters—Natalia with her diplomatic and outreach missions, and Asch with straightening out things on Daath. None of the Maestros took too kindly to his admission of his true identity, and were even less thrilled about his decision to quit the Oracle Knights and return to Kimlasca.

On the chance that they were in the same room, it was to talk about political and other worldly matters with the other people inside the room—usually about the replica situation and peace treaty with Malkuth. It wasn’t the place for the talk he wanted to tackle, and besides, it was their duty to help resolve these issues as the future king and queen of Kimlasca.

 _Future king and queen, huh._ He smiled briefly at the thought before becoming contemplative once more. Not too long ago, he would have scoffed at those words, knowing how unreachable it was. But impossibility has passed long since, and he was standing right there, living the future he desired the most.

This trip to Sheridan was their first as an engaged couple. Upon much prodding by his father—for the stability of the kingdom, in a manner of speaking—he took out an old Fabre heirloom and renewed his engagement with Natalia. As much as Asch wanted the announcement to remain a private affair, much fanfare was had during its public announcement—by urging of the council—three days ago. She accepted when he proposed, of course, though there was none of the ecstatic delight that he expected. Sure, she waved to the crowd and smiled for them during the public announcement of their betrothal, but Asch noticed something forced about it, similar to the way her smile was when he first privately approached her with the engagement ring.

He stole a glance at Natalia, relieved to note that she was wearing the ring he gave her. The emerald ring’s ruby-encrusted gold band sparkled under the starlight, stones glittering as she absently shifted her hand on the railing. Beautiful, just like the person who was wearing them. Even if the said person was acting cooler than the weather at Mt. Roneal.

Asch took a few more steps towards Natalia, encouraged by the fact that she was wearing the ring anyhow. "May I?" he asked as he joined her behind the railing, taking care to give her a small berth.

She nodded without taking a look at him, still staring blankly into the horizon.

Uncertain of what to say next, he copied her, training his eyes on the horizon dotted by stars. It was an interesting sight, but five minutes into the endeavor, Asch was bored out of his mind. The horizon was beautiful, but it was no different from any typical horizon overlooking the sea.

So why was Natalia so absorbed by the scenery before her? He wouldn’t have minded too much, if not for the tension in the air. Yet, he did not understand why there was tension in the first place. There was a lot he saw in Luke’s memories. But his mind predictably zeroed in on the ones featuring Natalia, and one of the first things he learned was her reaction upon hearing of his death. Her devastation wretched upon his heart when he learned of it, as well as the Luke-filtered memories of her worrying about him.

He was, presumably, in her mind as much as she was in his. Perhaps not as much as he thought of her, but all the same, she thought of him. She _cared_ for him. So she should have been happy that he was back, right?

Far from it, as reality has shown him.

His brows knitted at the thought, clenching his hand into a tight fist. It frustrated, nay, annoyed him. Now that they had all the time in the world, he wanted to reach out to her again and rekindle that bond they had, yet she remained as far away as she was back when he was still part of the Oracle Knights. Though this was worse, as they were so physically close now, yet so distant. At least back when they were fighting against Van’s schemes, she did not snub him the way she was doing now. Quite the opposite, to be honest.

On hindsight, it would have been an amusing dose of karma if he weren’t the subject of the said thing. But that wasn’t the case, and his situation only left him with the urge to punch a hole through a wall.

Resisting the urge to pulverize something, he took a deep breath and spoke, “So what brings you out this late at night?”

“Nothing, really,” she replied, still looking out into the sea, not meeting his eye.

“I don’t think it’s ‘nothing’ if it’s got you up and about this time of the night,” he said dryly.

“Who said I was worried about something?” Natalia frowned. “Besides, I could say the same for you.”

“At least I haven’t been going out of my way to avoid someone,” he said before he could stop himself, unable to keep a hint of spitefulness away from his tone.

Natalia finally tore her eyes away from the sea, deigning to look into his eyes. For what seemed like an eternity, green locked upon green, both unwilling to back down. For a second, Asch thought she would snap at him, but her eyes softened not a moment too soon and she averted his gaze from him.

“I suppose you’re right,” she said softly.

It was a good thing that Natalia was no longer looking at him, for he felt his jaw drop at this turn of events. At that point in time, he was ready to argue, only to be shot down in the most unexpected of ways. Promptly pursing his lips, he waited for her to continue.

“I’ve been avoiding this issue for too long,” she said resignedly. “This isn’t fair—not to me, and especially you.”

She began to stare at her feet, mumbling something to herself.

“You were saying?” he said as gently as he could, prompting her with a smile, even if she could not see it that moment.

“I… yes, well…” She shifted slightly on her feet as she absently hugged herself. “Ever since we survived Eldrant, I didn’t feel worthy of you.”

His eyes widened at her statement. “Say what?” Of all the answers he was expecting, this certainly was not one of them. He was certain that Natalia’s strange behavior was due to something he did, but for it to be surviving? Yulia wouldn’t have been able to guess that.

Her grip on the sleeves of her shirt tightened as her cheeks flushed red with embarrassment. “I… was wrapping my head around the fact that you were dead, back when we fought Van. It was too soon, and yet,” she bit her lip momentarily, “I found myself getting used to the idea all too easily.”

“When you appeared, I was surprised. Really surprised. I had convinced myself that Luke was coming back and you were not, so suffice to say, it wasn’t the outcome I was expecting. And then I’d feel guilty. About being happy you’re alive, while everyone’s miserable about Luke. And then when I feel sad about Luke being gone, I feel like I was betraying you, because if Luke were here, then it would mean that you were gone, and…”

“And…” She paused to take a deep breath. “I guess… another part of me was afraid. Afraid that you might disappear again, and that I’d hurt myself once when you did.”

She cast her eyes to the sky, hand on her forearm. “I wanted to straighten out my mind first before anything else, but it’s been months and I’m still as confused as ever.”

Asch did not know whether he wanted to scream in relief or frustration. Instead of screaming though, he swept Natalia into his arms and enveloped her in a hug. For a moment, he allowed himself to revel in a presence he missed so much, basking in her familiar warmth and scent.

“Listen to me, Natalia. None of that matters. None at all.” Not waiting for her reaction, he broke away and grasped her shoulders, locking eyes with her surprised ones. “I don’t blame you for thinking that—anyone in their proper minds would think the same, and you were about to fight that bastard. You had to make a mental adjustment that even the most seasoned of soldiers have difficulty doing.” His mind wandered briefly to the thoughts of countless soldiers losing it after hearing the news of a loved one’s death, costing many a life when stunned by such news in the battlefield. “I’m pretty sure that Jade—I mean, Colonel Curtiss—did not leave you any time to mourn.”

“If there was any mistake that you’ve made, it was not talking to me about this earlier, so we could have skipped this whole damn awkward month, and used it to do…” It was his turn to blush now as he let go of her shoulders and averted his gaze. “Things like that.”

And then Natalia laughed. The best sound in the universe, better than any Sheridan-made piano could produce. Oh, how he longed to hear that again—genuine and natural, melodic like the tinkling of bells—all the clichés in the world did not do any justice to describe how her laugh sounded to him.

He cleared his throat in an effort to cover up the worst of his embarrassment. “What matters is now. And what I want to do now… is to be with—”

Asch found himself silenced by a kiss, which was regretfully short-lived. The returns weren’t so bad though, considering it was a Natalia smiling up to him—the brightest one he has seen in years, one fitting for the princess that the people of Kimlasca adored so much.

“I know,” she said softly, caressing his cheek, “At least, I do now.” Her smile turned melancholy, tears prickling at the corner of her eyes. And somehow, Asch knew that she was remembering Luke. He knew that she won’t be getting over what happened to Luke any time soon. After all, he was her friend for seven years, and even knowing that he wasn’t her Luke was not going to erase the time they spent together all that easily. It was why he refused to take the name “Luke fon Fabre”, even if he had every right to resume his original identity. It was proof that Luke lived, and Asch believed that it was the least he could do for the person who inadvertently saved his life.

“I’m sorry I—”

“Don’t.” He wiped her tears away with a finger. “Don’t apologize.”

“Then,” she gazed up at him, eyes still watery, “what should I do?”

An amused glint crossed his eye. “Kiss me some more, maybe.”

Laughing once more under the star-studded sky, Natalia wrapped her arms around Asch’s shoulders and shared a tender kiss with him—the first of many to come in the following months and years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before anyone Pow Hammers me into oblivion for having a less harsh Asch, allow me to say that he has had time to mellow out after the events at Eldrant. That, and I’m pretty sure that sharing the memories of a certain Luke fon Fabre (read as: mostly a pure, white fluffball of innocence) would have done wonders for his temperament. Especially after seeing Natalia in her swimsuit attire.
> 
> Also, I hope this turned out to the prompter's liking, despite the fact that things did not turn out as expected (rather, I strayed a bit from what the prompt has specified). There isn't much Asch x Natalia I could insert in the original setting as I would've wanted to without the whole thing seeming out of character, so I tried to make up for it by writing an Asch-centric piece (with, of course, healthy doses of Asch x Natalia) set a month after the time specified by the initial prompt.


End file.
